Trouble.

I had to call Poison Control twice a week ago. You see, first Laney decided drink liquid laundry detergent and a few days later it was toilet bowl cleaner. She's fine! The people at Poison Control are competent and great and they didn't call child protective services on me. (Whew!) Both times they told me to get her to drink something and to watch her for stomach-upset, which she never got. They even called back to check on her and when they could hear her running around like a little nut in the background they laughed and said it sounds like I've got my hands full. And folks, I do! It's not like we keep household cleaners laying around the house. In fact both times I was in the room with her when it happened. She's sooo fast.

With the laundry detergent I was doing laundry and she was toddling around and chirping away. I dumped the detergent in the washer and next thing I knew she was gagging on the remnants of detergent left in the cup. But did I learn anything from this experience? Like, say, put the kid in her crib while working with dangerous household products she might possibly try to consume? Apparently not because the toilet bowl cleaner incident was basically an exact replica of the detergent incident. I was cleaning the toilet with her in the bathroom and the next thing I know she was trying to chug the toilet bowl cleaner. Did I mention this kid is fast?! She nearly bounds from one dangerous situation to another. Rest assured I've learning my lesson and I'll put her in her crib when I'm doing laundry or cleaning the toilet no matter how much she screams.

Overheard

Millie, whispering loudly to her new friend,

"Watch out for my little sister! She has very sharp teeth!"

Storytime

Jason and his girls reading before bed under Millie's canopy. There is a 3 book maximum and if something long like Eloise is chosen the max drops to 1. We love Eloise! It just takes rawther a long time to thoroughly enjoy her and you cawn't cawn't cawn't skip anything, thank you very much.

4 Trips to the Emergency Room & Some Other Stuff Too

Kind of an ominous title, no? It's hard to know where to start so I guess I'll start with part 2 of Millie's birthday celebration. I woke up early the day of her play group party feeling...icky. There was puking and an unsettled feeling and just when I was thinking about trying to cancel the party or calling Jason to run the party without me (he was more than willing, by the way)I began to feel...better. So the kids came and the moms came and there was some very bad mushy pasta for lunch (sorry about that!), a lot of noise, a little crying, a couple fits, some blood, a pinata, presents, cupcakes, a turd on the floor and then everyone was gone. I began to feel achy. Laney and Millie had quiet time while I napped and felt a little guilty about the possibility of having exposed all of our playgroup friends to a stomach bug. But hell, I got through it! Right? Not quite.

Jason came home from work to find me in bed and he began tackling the party mess. Later I joined him at the dinner table and that's when I noticed his hand. His Very Angry Red and Swollen Hand. A couple of days prior he had been to the dermatologist to have some moluscum (wart-like thingies) burnt off his hand. Now his hand is huge and I can see red streaks snaking up his forearm. I start freaking out because that's one of my super powers and he calmly tells me he's already called a nurse and she suggested Neosporin and a vinegar and water soak, but that was before the reds streaks. So I nag and cajole (another super power) and manage to convince him to go to the Emergency Room (trip 1, if you're counting) and it turns out he has cellulitis. He gets IV antibiotics and some oral antibiotics and comes home. I am relieved, but still feeling crappy myself.

Thursday morning I wake up and I feel icky again. My mom comes over to watch my girls while I thrash about in bed and get up to puke and then thrash about some more. Late that afternoon I decide I need a trip to the ER so Jason comes home from work and we proceed with trip #2. My mom takes my girls home with her.

In the ER they are not sure what to make of me. I have pain all over my abdomen and I'm vomiting. A CAT scan is discussed and then abandoned because it's obvious I will not be able to keep down the thick white berry flavored beverage I'd need to drink. They give me anti-nausea drugs, fluids and pain meds. I feel somewhat better. I'm sent home with instructions to return if the pain in my stomach gets worse.

Friday I wake up and the pain has moved lower in my abdomen it comes and goes and I assume I'm getting better. Later that day I have Very Bad Pain and decide another trip to the ER (#3) is in order. Friend Tim (thank you Tim) picks me up and takes me to the ER and watches me thrash about and try to joke while we wait for Jason to get there and for the docs do something or decide something or test something. This time I get to drink the evil thick white berry flavored beverage. According to Jason I am mean and scary to a couple of nurses. If I was I'm sure they deserved it for making me drink that stuff and for letting me writhe around in pain and not pumping me full of pain meds from the get-go.

The CAT scan sucks! I have to hold my breath with my arms above me head and stay still when all of my instincts are telling me to get on my hands and knees in cat pose. I make it through the scan and they wheel me back to Jason to wait for the results. The ER doc tells me the radiologist is very excited about my scan because while he's heard about this he's never seen this condition. It turns out I have air in my appendix. All right! Air in my appendix! Now what? The on-call surgeon comes and looks at my scan and he is not as impressed. He decides I should be observed overnight and perhaps I will have an appendectomy the next day. Oh, and by the way, my appendix is not in the usual place, which makes it kind of hard to see exactly what's going on.

First thing in the morning the surgeon comes in my room to poke and prod my belly. Apparently he is now impressed because about a 1/2 hour later I have an appendectomy. I wake up to find that my appendix ruptured (grrrr) and I have a rubber grenade hanging out of my right side to enable the docs to see whether there is infection draining out of my body. The fluid that accumulates in the drain is the color of ruby red grapefruit juice, which, lucky for me, happens to be one of the beverages served to me during my hospital stay. I didn't drink it but Jason did. Ewww, J, you're gross!

I'm released from the hospital on Monday, which is a relief because I'm a bad patient. I hate the soul sucking hospital beds of death and the sound of the IV pump. I hate having nurses and nurses aids checking my vitals and asking me about BMs. I feel like I will recover better at home while my mom and Jason's mom care for my girls. I have an arsenal of oral antibiotics to take and at first things are fine. Then I start getting sick again and again and again. I end up back in the ER (trip #4). My surgeon meets us there and watches me puke and decides IV antibiotics are the only way to go. He schedules me as an outpatient in the IV clinic and I go once a day for the next 3 days to get souped up and hydrated. During one of my visits I experience the humiliation of sitting on the toilet to blow it out my ass while puking into a garbage can as a sympathetic nurse clucks over me. Good times! Sorry no photos.

Now the IV antibiotics are done and my grenade/drain has been pulled from my side. I feel much better. Weak and tired, but much better. And lucky! Lucky to be alive.Lucky to be feeling better. Lucky to be sitting here at my computer listening to Laney fussing upstairs. Most of all, lucky to have such an extensive and amazing network of friends and family who helped take care of me and my family during the the Great Appendix Scare of 2008. Thank you family! Thank you friends! And especially, thank you Jason.